no sleep!!!

2008-02-25T00:54:15+01:00

i have been in bed for ages trying to sleep but i could not!! i am pissed of i spilt red paint on my carpet!! a blue carpet and not a little bit a whole can!!!!!!
i finished with my boyfriend a week ago today and u know what i ain't missed him once
ok ok i will stop lying to myself i have missed him like madness but its for the best he is such a waste of space and dragged me down i don't think i am missing him i think i am missing having someone there i know it sounds bad but its the truth!!
i don't know what to do with myself a strange feeling! am i here i once wrote a poem i cant remember it all but i know some lines

how can i die if i am already dead
how can i live if i don't know how to live
how can i cry if i don't feel the tears
i cant be happy if i don't hear the laughter

this is not about me feeling like i want to die!!! ooohhhhh nooooo its about not knowing how u feel not knowing the right way to go.

now i am just droning on and on lol

who knows i might go to sleep soon fingers crossed!!!

night night

Comments

The Start has cancer arrived?

2008-02-23T21:20:20+01:00

OK i am using this blog to talk about something very personal to me that not many people understand about the choice i have made in something important in my life here i am unknown and cant be judged. this is my story about cancer is it there or not.

i am 24 years old and i have had some children and live alone, i had a smear test a few months ago and found out i have something called CIN3 which as i have been told is the last step before cancer to treat this i have been told is very simple which involves a LETTZ but numbing my cervix they will then burn away the top layer of my cervix and that should remove the infected part and still keep it intact so they can Analise it, simple you say? well not for me i have refused this treatment for a number of reasons, i read online that it could take at least ten years to turn into cancer IF it even does i said this to my doctor he then told me that could be a case for some people but not for mine cos it is severe i feel this was just a scare tactic.

everyone tells me just go and get it done and so on but it is not there body i have had premature births and if they mess with my cervix i may not be able to have a baby properly again, i am scared of needles and don't think i could allow them to put a needle in my cervix, i am not scared to die if i am wrong about this and do get cancer i wont have treatment as i would feel i brought it upon myself but i am 99% sure i will not get it i don't know why i just have that feeling.

i told the doctor i would get my head around it and come for next app to have it done but i did not show up the doctor himself left a phone message for me asking me to go in and i have had two letters i don't want to feel forced to have something i don't want! i am sure people will think i am stupid and not understand my choice but its what i want.

here i will be writing my thoughts on this and if anything changes.

i think they are wrong i think they are just being over cautious and i am willing to risk my life to cancer if i am wrong that is how serious i feel about this!

reading about CIN3 it comes across as not serious but someone said to me if i was a older lady it could have took years to reach CIN3 as u get CIN1 and CIN2 first to to get the CIN3 now it could develop faster then expected but i told the lady who told me as u said it 'could' it 'could also not' develop faster only time will tell me.

Comments

confused in life?

no sleep!!!

The Start has cancer arrived?